DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
You Might Also Like
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
no
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
That’s no pocket rocket.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
waiting for halloween be like:
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer