911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
You Might Also Like
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Poetry is my passion
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered