“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.