no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.