if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
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Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard