911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.