99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
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15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Lmao
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.