99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
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wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
A man of commitment.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Autocorrect is my menesis
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*