99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Cheer up.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet