99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.