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@vikkaroni: 99 times out of ten, I'm making shit up.
@Underchilde: All life is precious. Unless you’re an accountant, then you welcome sweet death.
@QwertyJones3: Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
@Cpin42: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
@Nairoboy: Relationship status: I'm seeing several women in my neighbourhood.
@ahamedweinberg: 2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.