Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
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Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
If you know, you know
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)