Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
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PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.