A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes