@SuitableHolmes: A 2-hour movie called "Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?"
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@SirEviscerate: Sorry the edible underwear weren't edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair
@QwertyJones3: Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by