A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Finally, a door that understands me
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people