*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Note to self: I am a note
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.