we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
You Might Also Like
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Reporter: *ports again*
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline