A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now