@lotterydude: A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I'd be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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@deegeemindi: My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money "too dirty." He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
@WilliamAder: Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it.
@trevso_electric: Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
@CelebrityChez: If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.