A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
meanwhile over on facebook
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it