A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate