@simoncholland: A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
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@aimlessamers: Since it's hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
@inojperez: [Family Dinner] Me: Grandma, please pass the updog. Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose* Grandma: What's updog? Me: Not much, how about you?
@Sickayduh: Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker? Me: No, that's all I saw *shows me it's just a picture of a fist* Me: *sobbing* That's him
@fuzzlime: I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race