A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.