A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
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That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear