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Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps