A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.