don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
guilty
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.