Butt weight. There’s more!
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Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!