@LifeUnPinterest: *Texting* HIM: Do you have any snacks? ME: In my panty. H: Lol, you misspelled "pantry." M: Nope.

@FinnMcIver: everyone's always saying 'the good ones die young', 'god only takes the best'. so I must be immortal

@VeryLonelyLuke: I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp Then again, he's the only Jedi to ever die from old age Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

@_davidlucas_: If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve.

@msdanifernandez: Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.