If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
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Where’s my employee discount too?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Ok but actually
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like