A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
smh
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?