a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
…..pretty much.