A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.