A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Huge, if true.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !