A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
figuring out my emotional availability:
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol