“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
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Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
This hospital has everything
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”