A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
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Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I’m confused about plants
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders