CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do