*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
You Might Also Like
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
dutch so unserious
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.