@markleggett: A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back.
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@iamburtjarvis: lawyer: I haven't won a case since last year's hearing loss. me: what was the hearing for? lawyer: WHAT? me: the hearing. lawyer: WHAT?
@BadJordon: ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in SCARED DENIM: don't come back till you're thinny, thin, thin
@iLikeCatShirts: *Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
@jngraphs: *Tweets funniest tweet ever *Dies laughing *Over 6 billion die laughing *Germany and Russia survive *Coz nobody left to explain the joke