A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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I got soap in my shower beer again.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Optional boss fight.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
☺️
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had