“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
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The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I missed you with all my darts
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.