A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
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Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
#SaturdayBears
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)