A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.