@ch000ch: a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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@NicestHippo: "Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?" - podium salesman
@El_nacho_Nigre: If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don't stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
@KKAlThani: Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying "Not looking good today" after deleting the first 50 pictures she took