a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
No regrets in 2018
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.