a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
You Might Also Like
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE