A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together