A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Smile they said.