Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.