Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
You Might Also Like
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black