A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
awkward
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
crying
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out