A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
choose your gary
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!