*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
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In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.