5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
This could be us… but you playing
“No way.” -Jose
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
This kid is going places
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳