A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
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Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you