Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
this is uni
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.