The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.